“There is a terrible emptiness. I just want to go away, disappear cover myself up until it goes away. It is like pain yet it is not a physical pain. I cannot describe it. It is like every fibre in your body is screaming for relief. How can I describe it? I cannot really. The fact that you are constantly thinking of suicide reminds how fatal depression can be. People do die. When I am depressed I find my mind preoccupied with the past. I seek out something that may be totally unproductive, I go backwards into time and focus on the fact that my grandmother is gone, the occasion is gone...” Milligan and Clare (1988, pg. 17). Quote from Spike Milligan.
Pull the Covers Up Over My Head: A Depression Poem
Suck it up, you say?
Get over it?
If only it were that easy.
I know it’s not rational. It doesn’t make any sense. But that doesn’t mean I can stop it.
A very small little part of my brain tells me I’m in a bad mood for no reason. But there feels like there should be a reason!
I just want to pull the covers up over my head.
I don’t want to try. I don’t want to get dressed or get going or put on my happy face for anyone.
I don’t want to say “fine” when someone asks how I am.
I want to hunker down.
I want to cry for no reason.
Is my depression upsetting you?
Are you tired of hearing about it?
I don’t like it. I didn’t ask for it.
I don’t understand it.
I do want to feel better. But it feels like a weight is holding me down. I can’t move. I can’t try. I want to. But it’s just so hard.
I wish it would rain healing energy on me right where I am and wash this away forever. I don’t want it anymore.
It is an invisible illness that people don’t understand. Heck, I deal with it every day and I don’t understand it.
I want to tell you how to help me.
I want you to tell me what I need.
I wish I could.